What's behind the curtain...

While dozing the other afternoon on our bed, with our little man asleep on my chest, who didn't seem to have a care in the world, I started to ponder how I'd found myself here. Not here on earth. But here. In Port Elizabeth. South Africa. When for the last 10yrs I've found myself, there. Over there, on a little island. Some call it the United Kingdom. 

For a brief moment I lived my life in reverse. And had an epiphany. 

To truly understand my "a-ha' moment you have to understand the definition of the word -  an epiphany can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realisation allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective and generally follow a process of significant thought about said problem or situation. 

This is the year that I turn 36. And I can remember every significant event that has in someway altered the course of my life. The people I've met along the way. Some of whom are still in my life and others, either by choice or circumstance, are not. The job offers made and then turned down because I just knew something better wasn't too far away. 

I remember, years ago, in early 2000 to be precise, that I was put at risk of losing my job. I worked for a small company in Knysna and the Board decided to relocate the office from Knysna to East London (the one here, not there). I was given the choice; move to East London or stay and find another job. It was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make.  Me, all of 21yrs, had never had to make a decision that would alter the course of my life. If I moved, I would've undoubtedly been very unhappy and very bored. I would've known no-one. I had spent all of one evening in EL the previous year and was bored to tears. If I stayed, I would've been unemployed. 

I decided that the reason why this decision was so hard to make was because it could define/change/alter the course of my life. Path A or Path B - I had to pick one. 

My unemployed options looked better than my unhappy and very bored odds by miles. It was also around this time that I learnt to trust my gutt. 

I stayed. 

I ended up finding another job working for a very wealthy, if not senile, old man in Plettenberg Bay. One of the perks of my job was a one bed flat with the most amazing sea-view, in the heart of the village, that cost me ZAR500 per month in rent. I also became friends with Beth, who remains a dear friend to this day. By now I was 22 and thinking, stupidly, that I was going to end up a spinster with lots of cats and a collection of Mills&Boon novels. At 22. 

I never had the courage at 22 to do anything on my own. My biggest (and only) regret is that as a teenager my Aunt & Uncle wanted to take me to the USA for a three week holiday. I declined. I had a serious boyfriend. And we'd planned to go to the USA in two years time. Two years to two teenage kids, who thought they were in-love, are like dog-years to actual dogs. 

Needless to say we never went. And I was 33 when I eventually made it State side. 

If I had gone on that holiday I would've realised then that the world is actually quite small. I would've been bitten, hard, by the travel bug. I wouldn't have been so fearful about the unknown or ending up on some make-believe shelf. 

Needless to say I married the first boy who asked me. Not because I loved him but because he asked and I wasn't sure someone would ask me again. For the first time I ignored my gutt. By 24 I was married and deeply unhappy because I honestly felt that the next step would be children and I knew I wasn't ready or with the right person. I'd gotten myself into what the British like to call a 'pickle'. And I had no idea how to get out of it. 

By 27 I'd had to make another life-defining-path-choice. It took me a move overseas, nerves of steel and 3yrs to get out of that 'pickle'. 

Then everything changed. 

I finally found my voice. My confidence. My inner lion. I was no-longer afraid. And I meet the love of my life. By our third date I knew Ryan would be the man I'd end up having a family with. 

So you're probably wondering what my epiphany was all about!

I'm getting there. 

While dozing on our bed and after being so down in the dumps about being here, not there, it dawned on me that all the life-defining-path-choices I've made in my life have all culminated and formed the tiny little 8 month old boy fast asleep on my chest. 

Without going through all of that, we wouldn't have any of this. A gorgeous, healthy, happy, clever little person who is going to grow into a person who is going positively influence and change the world in some way. I think he'll be a comedian because even now he laughs in his sleep. 

Oscar is half Ryan and half me. Half our memories, our hopes and aspirations for the life we want him to have. Our choices now, like the choices our parents made while we were growing up, will definitely impact his life until he's old enough to make his own. 

So we've ended up back here. But like all the other choices we've made, we've ended up exactly where we're supposed to be right now. I've accepted this. 

"Finally" - I hear Ryan sigh. 

And we could always go back there if we wanted to.